Help! My husband is gay

I met Fred through my mother about eight months ago. I had followed my mother to Aunty Dora’s office when we met her with this charming man in his late thirties. Aunty Dora and my mother have been best friends since I can remember. Immediately she saw us, she got up and hugged my mother and me.


I noticed Fred was smiling and starring at us. Almost immediately, Aunty Dora asked, “Laura don’t you know this young man?” “Dora, I don’t think I have seen this face before,” my mum said. “This is my first son, Fred, who has been outside the country for almost 20 years,” Aunty Dora emphasised. My mother took a closer look at Fred and said, “He is a grown man. How time flies.”  She hugged him and immediately introduced me as her daughter. “Fred, please meet my daughter, Elfreda.”  We shook hands and sat down to get acquainted while our mothers too chatted away at another corner.

I must confess Fred is a very likable man. He is also charming and handsome. We exchanged phone numbers and he promised to get in touch. But for two months, Fred did not call neither did I bother to call him too. Aunty Laura visited our house one Saturday afternoon and asked me how my relationship with Fred was going. I was shocked she asked that question however I had to clear the air. “Aunty, what relationship are you talking about? Since we met in your office I have neither heard nor seen Fred. He promised to get in touch but he had not,” I said. “Are you sure, Elfreda? He kept telling me how much he likes you,” she revealed.

Aunty Laura opened up to me and my mother. She told us that when Fred told her he was finally relocating to Nigeria, she prayed so hard that he will not come with a white woman and introduce as his fiancée or wife. “I thank God he answered my prayer. When I talked to him about getting married, he assured me that he was coming back home but without a white woman as a wife. I was so excited.” She told my mother how she would love it if Fred and I could get married because she needs great children as Fred was already 38 years old. “I will continue to put pressure on him until he agrees to settle down. He thinks he is getting younger,” she said.

Three days later, to my surprise Fred called and apologised for not calling. He invited me on a dinner date which I agreed to. On the dinner date, he came with Alex and introduced him to me as his best friend. “Elfreda, this is my best friend, Alex. We have been friends for about six years now. He is my very close pal. We came back together and we hang out a lot together,” he said. Alex is a lady’s man. He is as good looking and handsome as Fred.

Somehow Fred and I became close and in less than three months he proposed. I thought he was rushing things but on a second thought, I was happy that I will get married and become a mother too. So I accepted his proposal.

I am not saying I am a virgin but I have always told myself I must sleep with the man I will eventually get married to. My reason is that I have heard a lot of stories about sexual incompatibility between couples and I don’t want that to happen to me. Not just heard but I also have friends who complain about sexual incompatibility with their spouse. In my effort to know if Fred and I will be compatible, I tried all the tricks I have ever known to seduce him to sleep with me even if it is once. But, I did not succeed.

One day, Fred told me, “Elfreda, we have to wait until we are married. I have vowed that I will not sleep with the woman I will eventually get married to. My love let us just wait. Our wedding is around the corner,” he admonished. I felt so ashamed. We had a registry wedding about three weeks later and Alex was his best man. I looked forward to that special moment with Fred on our wedding night but he complained of tiredness. Well, I had to bear with him. He kept giving me different excuses for not sleeping with me, his wife.

I have been married for four months and Fred has not kissed me talk less sleep with me. He kept giving one excuse or the other. He told me he does not want to hurt me by sleeping with me. I tried to make him understand that we are now married. But he did not bulge.

We have quarrelled severally on this issue. When I could not bear it any more, I had to confide in someone, so I went to his mother. She promised to talk to him which she did. But the situation remained the same. The funny thing is that whenever Alex comes to the house, he is always so excited I had this feeling that they were too close for comfort; however, I did not have any prove. However, the last thing on my mind is that he was gay.

One day we had a quarrel over the same issue and he told me I nag too much as such he was moving into Alex’s place and he would be spending some days there. Two days later, I decided to pay Fred a surprise visit to talk some sense into him. But what I saw instead was a shocker. When I got to Alex’s apartment, I knocked but there was no response. When I tried the door handle, it opened and I quietly went in and dropped my handbag on the sofa. “Why will they leave the door open and go out?” I murmured.

I went to the kitchen and then the first bedroom and still there was no sign of Fred or Alex. So I headed for the second room, the door was left ajar and I heard voices. As I got to the bedroom door, I saw Fred and Alex naked on the bed kissing and caressing. I was shocked I did not know how I got to the floor. While I was still trying to come to terms with what I just saw, I heard Alex ask Fred, “Honey, when are you going to tell Elfreda you already have a wife? We love each other so you don’t need her.” “I will when the time is right. You are my one and only true love,” Fred assured Alex.

At this point, I managed to get up from the floor and stood at the door for them to see me. They were both startled to see me. “What are you doing here?” Fred asked. “Please tell me what I don’t know Fred,” I said. “Fine I will tell you the truth,” Fred said. He opened up and told me he actually married me because of the pressure from his mother to get married. “I married you because of the pressure from my mother. If I did not get married they will be suspicious and I do not want any one from my family to know that I am gay. Elfreda I am gay that is why I don’t find touching or sleeping with you attractive. You cannot satisfy me. If you must know, Alex is my wife. We got married before returning to Nigeria. So, our wedding is just a charade, I only married you to please my parents especially my mother, so you can move on with your life,” he said.

I left there in tears and went straight to his family house. Luckily, I met everyone at home and I told them what my eyes saw and what Fred told me. His mother fainted and was immediately rushed to the hospital. My family too is aware of the situation on ground but they are all too shocked to say anything. The only thing my mother told me is that, “God is in control. I am sure you did not see clearly or hear him correctly.” 

Fred was summoned three days later and he boldly repeated what he told me without mincing words. I am still in a state of shock. It is terrible to find out that my husband is gay and he is proud of it. What do I do? Can our wedding be nullified? Where do I start from?