‘What is my sin? Life has not been fair to me’

My family is not rich but we have love. That kept us together until that fateful day when my moth-er was diagnosed of breast cancer. It was the saddest day in our lives. Although the lumps were discovered a bit late, however the doctor advised that she should start her chemotherapy. My mother refused, insisting that it was expensive and that her family cannot afford it. “Doctor, thank you but you see I will prefer to endure the pains until God calls me home. My husband cannot afford the treatment. We all know the treatment is expensive,” she insisted.

When the pains became really excruciating, she had to be hospitalised and the chemotherapy treatment commenced. This cost my father a lot of money. As time went on, we started rotating spending the night at the hospital with her. I had just completed my secondary education and awaiting results while Frank, my younger brother, was in JSS 3 when our mother’s illness started. For me, spending the night with her was easy but for my father and Frank, it was not. Frank sometimes missed school just to rest while my father must go to work no matter how tired and sleepy he felt.

When I saw how this was affecting my father and brother, I volunteered to spend the nights with her while they can spend time with her during the day. However, they both refused stressing that her last days were near and if that was her wish, they must obey it to the letter. About a month later, my father confided in me that his boss, Chief Henry, who is also his childhood friend, had started complaining about his sluggish attitude to work. He pleaded with him to understand that it was due to my mother’s sickness but he threatened to sack him.

My father came home one afternoon and informed me that he had been sacked. “Papa, what are you doing at home by this time? Are you sick?” I enquired. “Lillian, my daughter, I have just been sacked. My boss and friend finally carried out his threat knowing full well that my wife, had been in the hospital. Where do I get money to continue her treatment? I have spent all I have on her. He just sacked me without paying me off,” he wept. I held him closely and assured him that every-thing was going to be fine. I was so touched because I had never seen my father cry. I didn’t know when tears started dropping from my eyes too.

After he had calmed down, rested and eaten lunch, we both visited my mother at the hospital. “Sweet-heart, you didn’t tell me you will be visiting this afternoon,” mum said. “I needed to see you so I took an hour off. How are you doing?” she asked. No matter how we pretended that everything was fine, she sensed that something was wrong. A week later, the doctor requested for more money to continue with my mother’s treatment. This made my father shed tears once more because he had no dime on him. I promised to pay a visit to his boss and see how he can help us. “Daddy, don’t worry I will go and see your boss. I will explain the situation of mummy to him and plead with him to help us out with some money,” I promised. When I vis-ited Chief Henry’s office, I was reliably informed by the secretary that he had travelled out of the country. I felt so disappointed.

A week later, my mother eventually died. She had pleaded with me to take good care of my father and brother before asking me to go home and prepare pap for her while she talked with my father. However, on my return, she was dead and her body had been taken to the morgue. It was so painful for all of us. My father was really shattered.

After my mother’s death, my dad went back to beg Chief Henry to accept him again. He refused. So, he started looking for job all over so that he could fend for my brother and I. But luck was not on his side. As if that was not enough, our house rent expired. We could no longer pay and the landlord threatened to throw us out if we did not pay in the stipulated grace period. I went to Uncle Sam, my father’s younger brother, for financial assistance. He told me bluntly he had no money but even if he had, he would not help us. “Why did you come here? Your father kept away from his family ever since he married that witch of a woman he called his wife. Anyway, accept my sympathy however. I don’t have money to give you people. Now, get out of my house,” he yelled.

I decided to check back on Chief Henry. Fortunately, he was back from his journey. When I got to the office, he immediately recognised me. “Lillian, how are you? I am very sorry for the death of your mother, please accept my deepest condolence. Anyway, how is your father doing?” he asked. “Sir, he is alright but he still needs a job. I am here to seek for financial assistance. Our house rent is due and my father has no money to pay the landlord. He has even threatened to throw us out. Please sir, help us,” I pleaded. He told me he had no cash at the mo-ment. He, however, pleaded that I see him in two days.  When I gave the news to my father, he was so excited. He said, “At least there is a ray of hope. I hope Chief will really give us the money.”

Two days later, I went to see Chief Henry. When he saw me, he stressed, “Lillian, giving you the money is not a problem. You know you are a beautiful young girl so if you scratch my back, I will scratch yours.” “Sir, what does that mean?” I asked. “I will tell you. Nothing in life is free so if you want my money, I want your body,” he emphasised. Disappointed, I told him, “Sir, if that is what you want, you can forget about the money. I will take my leave now. Sorry for bothering you.” “No woman turns me down. I always get what I want and you will not be an exception,” he said. Before I knew it, he locked the office door. He used his hand to gag my mouth and raped me right inside his office.  After he was done, he ordered me out of his office.

When I got home, my father excitedly asked me if he gave me the money and I simply nodded no. His sack, my mother’s death, money for house rent coupled with the fact that he could not fend for my brother and I made him fall ill. Unfortunately, there was no money to take him to the hospital. On the stipulated day, the landlord came with some men to throw our belongings out and lock the apartment. All pleas to give us more time fell on deaf ears. Immediately, my father slumped and died. It was indeed another traumatic moment for me and Frank. I thought of how my brother and I will face life as orphans at this young age.

Our father was buried like a common chicken with the help of neighbours. We had to start staying with Aunty Flora, one of our neighbours who had always liked my family. Aunty Flora was very nice to us but she cannot do everything for us. In fact, Frank had to drop out of school because he could not pay his examination fee. To survive, my brother and I started hawking pure water and sausage rolls with the money some sympathisers gave to us.

A month after my father’s burial, I took ill. I had gone hawking with Frank that Saturday morning when I started vomiting. Remi, one of the girls we hawked together told me I was pregnant. “Lillian you are pregnant,” she insisted. “How did you know?” I asked. “When my sister got pregnant a year ago, these were the same symptoms. Vomiting is an early sign of pregnancy for most women,” she emphasised. “God, I hope it is not true because I was not ready to carry a baby whose father raped me,” I mumbled.

That evening, I went for a pregnancy test and the result was positive. “Remi, I am just from the laboratory and the pregnancy test result came out positive. I am pregnant but I am not ready to keep this pregnancy. I have to abort it,” I said.

Remi told me about a hospital in their neighbourhood where I can go for an abortion. When we got to the hospital, first, the environment made me devel-op cold feet. In fact, I became instantly frightened when I entered into the mini operating room and saw all the equip-ment well arranged. I ran out of the room but Remi assured me that the D & C would not take more than 10 minutes, aside from that, the doctor was also good in his job. That was when I summoned courage and returned to the operating room and allowed the doctor to com-mence the D & C.

However, what I didn’t know was that the doctor was a quack. After the abortion, I left the hospital. On my way home, I noticed that I was bleeding and at the same time losing strength. When my strength could not carry me any longer, I remember calling for help before I eventually fainted. When I woke up, I found myself on a hospital bed with a handsome young man by my bedside. He introduced himself as May-ford, the man who found me lying near a gutter and rushed me to the hospital. He told me he had paid for my medical bills, but made me promise him that I would take my drugs and rest well so that I would recover quickly. “The doctor told me you had a D & C performed by a quack doctor. What were you thinking or didn’t the baby’s fa-ther want the child? You would have died if I had not found you. But let’s thank God you are alright,” Mayford said. I just told him I didn’t want the baby because I was not prepared to become a mother.

I was in the hospital for four days and Mayford was always coming to see me. But, I was more worried about Frank because he did not know about my whereabouts. However, before I was discharged, the doctor informed me that whoever performed the abortion was a quack and as a result my womb had been damaged. “Did you tell Mayford?” I asked. “No, I wanted to tell him but when he said he was not a member of your family I decided not to tell him,” said the doctor. “God, what is my sin? So I will never become a mother in life? Chief Hen-ry, I leave you to God!” I sobbed.

When I was finally discharged, May-ford took me home. On getting to Aunty Flora’s house, I received another horrible news. She informed me that my brother, Frank, was killed by a hit-and-run driver while hawking pure water as usual. “Lillian, where have you been? I have been worried sick. Anyway, thank God you are back. But the bad news is that Frank is dead. He was killed by a hit-and-run driver. He died on the spot two days ago,” she revealed. “I am left alone in this world. God, what is my offence?” I screamed. That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up again on a hospital bed. Mayford said I screamed and fainted af-ter I was told about my brother’s death.

Two days after I was discharged and got back to Aunty Flora’s place, she asked me to leave her house as bad luck and death seemed to be knocking on my family’s door. She said that she did not want to be part of it. I pleaded with her to give me some time. She refused. Luck-ily, as I was leaving her apartment, May-ford was climbing up the stairs.  “Lillian, where are you going to with the things?” he questioned. “Aunty Flora asked me to leave her house. I don’t even have any-where else to go to,” I wept. He told me not to worry as he would take good care of me. He took me to a hotel and paid for three nights and promised to get an ac-commodation for me.

Truly, Mayford rented and furnished a mini-flat for me and also provided for all my needs as well. He made sure I lacked nothing. During one of his visits, he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I needed a job so that I could save up for my university education. “I can see you through the university too but if this is what you want, I will get you a job very soon,” Mayford pledged. A week later, he helped me secure an employment in a very big supermarket where I was one of the shop attendants. After a short time, we started dating. Mayford meant the world to me, he was my only family and I loved him so much.

After a year, I wrote my JAMB, passed and gained admission to study Business Administration at Lagos State University. Mayford was very helpful. He supported me financially and otherwise. He got me a car just to make sure I was very comfortable because I went to school from home. But during examination periods, I stay around school with my friends. In my third year, Mayford proposed. I, however, told him to give me some time. He accepted. Mayford is a young business-man and the only son of his parents. I had earlier met his two sisters but not his parents. He told me that his mother died about four yearsearlier, while his father was a very busy businessman. Nevertheless, he promised to introduce me to him as soon as I accepted to marry him.

I was at Mayford’s house one Saturday afternoon when we heard a knock on the door. When he opened the door, I heard him say, “Dad, you came to visit me today, we must celebrate.”  “Yes my boy. You don’t bother to come and see your father so daddy is here to see his big boy,” his father said. I had to adjust my dress and sit down properly to meet his father. “There is something about this voice. Could it be …, no I don’t think so,” I muttered to myself. When they both walked in, who did I see? Chief Henry, my father’s former boss and the man who raped me. I guess he was surprised as I was too to see me. But, I pretended not to know him.

“Lillian, meet my father, Chief Henry, the owner of Henry Group of Companies,” Mayford said. Chief Henry shook me and said, “She is beautiful. Son, you have eyes for beautiful women like your father.” “Thank you sir for the compli-ment,” I said. Feeling a bit uneasy, he didn’t spend up to five minutes when he claimed he was only in the neighbour-hood and was rushing to a meeting. He wanted to hug me but I vehemently refused. He promised to formally invite Mayford and me to his house before leaving. Immediately he left, my countenance changed and Mayford noticed it. “My love what is the matter?” Mayford enquired. I managed to put up a false smile all the time I was there because I knew that I would not want anything to do with Chief Henry or anyone associated with him. I hated him so much for causing so much pain to my family, especially me.

My attitude towards Mayford and our relationship now changed and he be-lieved that this change happened since the day I met his father. He had asked me if I had met his father before he in-troduced us. I told him his father used to be my father’s boss before he sacked my father years ago. Right now, Mayford is putting so much pressure on me to marry him but knowing that Chief Henry is his father, I don’t think I want to marry him even though I love him so much and also appreciate all he had done for me.

Chief Henry, his father has caused me so much pain. Due to the rape and abortion, my womb is damaged. How do I begin to explain to Mayford that it was his father who put me in this condition? I love him so much to make him a child-less man for life. Maybe I should just marry him and make him pay and suffer because of what his father did to me? But would that be fair?