‘My love for Dr. Ben hindering my relationship with other men’

When Dr. Ben and I parted ways about two years ago, I kept him out of my mind and life. It was not until last week when Dr. Stanley mentioned his name that I remembered him. It dawned on me that he still has a special place in my heart.

I had just rounded off my night duties and was about leaving the hospital when I ran into Dr. Stanley, a brilliant paediatrician who has been asking my hand in marriage for almost a year now. He had tried all tricks to make me fall in love with him but I just couldn’t.

He is ever ready to do anything to make me happy. However, I keep holding back. Although, I like him, the question is, do I like him enough to give him a place in my heart? No!!! We go on dates when we are both free sometimes but I could not give him what he wanted: to marry him.

The truth is I have rejected about three men after my brief affair with Dr. Ben because I feel no other man would love, care and understand me the way he did. Most times I looked for the qualities that attracted him to me in other men without giving them a chance. I presume they lack those qualities so I never give them a chance to prove their love.

“Hello Marvis, how are you? Leaving already?” Dr Stanley asked. “Yes, doc,” I answered. “A man was rushed in about 10 minutes ago involved in a car accident,” he said. “Doc, that is really sad. Well, we have enough nurses that will help the doctors. As for me, I am off,” I said. “Hold on, the man in question is Dr. Ben. I heard he had worked here before,” he said. Then and there, he got my full attention. “My God, Dr. Ben? Is he alright? How badly injured is he? How did it happen and where?” I asked in utter confusion. “He was rushed straight to the theatre. Doctors are trying their best to save his life. But remember it is only God that saves,” he explained. Suddenly, his phone rang and he moved away to receive the call. He returned immediately after the call. “Marvis, I have to attend to some patients now. Since you will be on afternoon duty tomorrow, are we still going to see tonight as earlier planned?” he asked. I nodded quietly and walked away because my eyes were filled with tears.

As I drove home, all that kept playing in my head were the words of Dr. Stanley about my dear Dr. Ben. “He was rushed straight to the theatre. Doctors are trying their best to save his life. But remember it is only God that saves.” I kept wondering how badly hurt he could be. I really wanted to be by his bed side when he regained consciousness after the surgery but at the same time, I knew I could not because his wife, Tessy will be there.

I will say without mincing words that he was very special and would always have a place in my heart, even though he was married with two children. Although we tried as much as possible to keep our relationship secret, a few people still knew about us which made him uncomfortable.

Dr. Ben and I never meant to fall in love, rather, love took us by surprise. He is a surgeon and I, a surgical nurse, so working together, sharing the drama of the operating room daily made us got really close. But one day right there in his office after a three-hour operation, and tired we looked at each other and knew there was no need for words, the message was so clear and glaring: we were in love. He pulled me close, hugged and gave me an alluring kiss. It took us about four months of working together to realise this. But was it what we both wanted?

Dr. Ben was so caring and loving. He treated me like a queen and showered me with so much love and gifts. However, three months later, he applied for a transfer to Ibadan because neither Dr. Ben nor I was prepared for a love in the shadows, a love that cheated on his wife and children. He had to leave before he got too intimate with me. When he finally left, I was shattered. I wept for days but finally told myself I had to move on since he proved to me that he loved and cherished his family. I assured myself that even though I loved him so much, I will put him out of my life for good.

At about 6:30 p.m., my doorbell rang, it was Dr. Stanley. But deep inside me, I wished I had cancelled our date and thought about Dr. Ben instead all alone. Well, we hugged and went straight to the sitting room but there was this cold silence between us for about five minutes. Then Dr. Stanley broke the silence, “Marvis, what is wrong?”. “Nothing, I am fine,” I replied. “I have always known there was a barrier between us. Please tell me the truth; did you have an affair with Dr. Ben?” I could not deny it as I nodded quietly and with difficulty I said, “he told me he had problems with his wife and her family so wanted to end their nine-year-old marriage but he could not. For the sake of peace he decided to start life all over again with his family; that was why he applied for a transfer to Ibadan.”

“Before you left the hospital did you hear anything about his condition?” I asked. Stanley shook his head and revealed that although he was still unconscious, it was likely he would suffer spinal injuries. He may not be able to walk. I was shocked but apparently I did not know I was still very much in love with him. “I am going to see him tomorrow. My mind is made up and I am ready to damn the consequences. I need to see Ben and know how he is doing,” I insisted. Stanley took my hand and in a kind but firm voice said, “Marvis it is not a good idea. You can’t because his wife would be there. Remember you and Dr. Ben parted ways for the sake of his marriage. Please, you cannot go back on that now.” Although I could hardly speak at this point, I managed to say, “I know that but I have to see him even if it is only for a few minutes. I promise, Tessy won’t know I was there. I only want to whisper some things into his ear but you have to help me since he is in the Intensive Care Unit. The truth is that I love him and will always do.” However, he promised to see what he could do about it.

The next morning I went early to the hospital even though I was on afternoon duty. I headed straight to Dr. Stanley’s office. Luckily, he was yet to commence his ward rounds. He disclosed that Tessy had refused to leave her husband’s bedside; therefore his hands were tied as it were. He however encouraged me to ‘hang around’ until he was through with his ward rounds. When he was done, we went to have breakfast at the cafeteria.

While we were at one corner of the crowded cafeteria I looked up and saw a young girl of about seven years old sitting opposite us though looking very sad and lost in thought. “This girl looks like Ben. I am sure she is his daughter because the resemblance is so striking,” I told Stanley. “Yes, you are right,” he confirmed.  I went straight to her and tried to cheer her up. She was neither eating the food nor taking the soft drink in front of her.

“Hello dear, what is your name?” I enquired. “My name is Victoria,” she replied. Why was she sad? I asked. She said her father was involved in an accident because of her. “If only I had not insisted that he come to Lagos himself to take me back to Ibadan he would not be in this condition. Mummy said a trailer rammed into his car. I feel so sad,” she cried. “Don’t worry your father will be alright,” I cheered her up. “I love seeing my parent together because they are always happy together but since the incident, all that my mother does is to sit by his bedside and cry. See what I have caused,” she sobbed.

I held her in my arms and told her, her father would be fine. Just then, she withdrew, looked at me and said, “I am sorry, I don’t talk to strangers. I have to go now my brother is coming.” She left to meet her brother. I watched them as they walked back to the hospital and then I realised I had been foolish all along holding on to what I felt for Dr. Ben. It was only a memory; not real compared with the love of the woman sitting beside his bed at the hospital – his wife. It is time to move on, get married and start a family because it is very glaring that Dr. Ben loves his wife very much.

An hour later, Dr. Stanley told me Ben had gained consciousness so it was time to go and see him because Tessy left the room to attend to some visitors. When I got to the front of his room and he was talking with his children, I had cold shivers all over me. “Marvis, do you really want to do this?” I asked myself. As much as I wanted to see him, I changed my mind. “Stanley, I have changed my mind. There is no need to start what I can never finish. I can only wish him quick recovery,” I said and left.

Although I had decided to give Dr. Stanley a chance because of his love, care, patience and understanding. But do I really love him? No, I don’t think so. My love for Dr. Ben is affecting my relationships with other men but, somehow, I know I have to move on. The question is: how?